Marriage 101

I did it, again. Me and my mouth! I had to reread “This Untamed Member” and James 1:19 from the Bible. I got in an argument with my husband. My words were not upbuilding nor fulfilling. I lost my focus. It’s so easy to get off track. I do not always say or do the right thing.  I get caught up in myself. I retaliate back thinking I’m justified, but in hindsight I am hurting myself and my husband. We came into the union as one. We are either going to work in unity or destroy each other through our words and actions.

I pray often for God to help me bridle my tongue. Sheesh, it can be so dangerous.

We were brought together for a reason. God did not make a mistake by allowing us to unite. It’s so much we learn from each other for our marriage; and to help those who go through the same thing.  Our trials are just not for ourselves. I’m not ashamed to say, “I do not have a perfect marriage, but I have the perfect mate”. I have to do MY part in making sure MY actions are acceptable before God and MY husband. I am HELD accountable for how I respond and react.

We are designed for greatness, even through our “rough patches”.

“Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath…” (King James Bible, James 1:19).

Me and My Legs

I am going to reveal a secret to you. I had a complex about my legs. They were too long (in my eyes). I would wear jeans to hide them. If I wore shorts, I felt self conscious. It was like wearing underwear outside. My legs seemed to go on for eternity. I could feel blind eyes staring at me.

I finally came to the realization that my legs are sexy. What was I thinking? I didn’t have scarred legs (just super skinny). I was my own worse enemy. Now, I show my legs proudly. They are looonnngg and sexy!

Just wondering…Am I the only one with a secret?

I Am That Mother…

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I am that mother, I give my child snacks to keep her occupied when toys are not enough. Guilty as charged! Food is helpful. At least I give her healthy snacks. I am that mother, who wipes fallen toys on my shirt and gives it back to my child. The toys do not fall in poop.

I am that mother, who vowed to never let their child sleep in the same bed. I break it often. I need to rest. I am that mother, who takes her child to the daycare on my day off. I need a break. I am that mother, who wipes my daughter nose with my hand when no tissue is within reach. I can’t let it run down her face (She does not mind. Snot seems to be tasty to her). I am that mother, who does not mind letting her child play with the dog. Well, I’m getting there. I am that mother, who watches videos of my daughter while at work. I miss her. I am that mother, who will hide to eat. I do not want to share all the time. I am that mother, who will wake up my husband when our daughter cries at night. Once again, I need to rest. I did it in the beginning. It’s his turn.

I am that mother, who picks their child up between 5:30pm-5:45pm (long as I beat 6pm). It’s so much easier to get things done around the house when she’s at the daycare. Sometimes, I need a nap too. I am that mother, who does not like when others try to impose their “baby opinions” on me. Ummmm…after 9 months, I got it. I do not know it all. I will ask for help…when needed.

I am that mother, who loves her child to life.

It’s so wonderful how things turned out.

Being Married

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I do not always say, “thank you”. My husband tries to do his best. I try not to be a nagging wife, but sometimes I wear that “crown”. It’s so easy to focus on the negative, but forget that right is always in my sight.

I must continue to remember prayer changes things…not my mouth. I cannot expect him to be something I’m not…Perfect. We argue. We fight. That’s just life. He tends to move on quicker. I may stall for a few. It’s kinda hard to stay mad when he insists on talking to me like nothing never happened. Plus, he needs to know I’m mad;)

We have plenty of kinks to workout. We have not “arrived”. I know we are going to make it. We’ve been kicking butt, thus far!!

 

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As I write about my experience with postpartum depression, it brings me to tears. I realize healing is still taking place. Writing has helped me to reflect in greater depth. Looking back, I can hardly identify myself. Who was I?

I’ve always considered myself a strong individual. I took all my trials and struggles with stride. I never imagined postpartum depression would be the thing to almost break me. I judged women who harmed their babies. I said, “They were crazy.” I said, “Why would someone harm their own child?” Not realizing, I would suffer from the same illness. Postpartum depression changed my outlook on life.

I appreciate my peace.

I am not ashamed of what has given me a new voice…My Truth!

 

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I needed to hear more than, “Pray”. I longed for comforting words like, I was ok, you’re going to make it, and your still normal. I needed to be reassured what I was experiencing was only a figment of my imagination. My mind was unfamiliar to me. I was trying to find “Pam”. I could not accept this as being my life sentence. I had to be a good mother and wife. Too many people were depending on me.

I kept fighting to win the waging war in my mind. I sought help. My family and friends were my support. Counseling helped me to realize, all was well.

 

*Postpartum blues usually subsides after two weeks. Postpartum depression lingers for months and years, if left untreated.

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Each day I woke up in my nightmare pretending to be happy. My life became so monotonous. Everything revolved around my daughter and her needs. It was too overwhelming. I wanted my child to die, so I could rest. And my life would go back to being normal. My feelings were numb. How could I tell anyone how I was truly feeling without them thinking I was crazy. A few people told me, “I was just tired.” I was depressed.

I know this is a shocker to many, but I need to tell my truth. I have to help someone else.

* A great number of women are never treated for postpartum depression. Many do not realize they are experiencing depression.

No More Excuses

After ending a call with my cousin, I began to ponder our conversation in my heart. We conversed about our current status in pursuing our goals. We both agreed that what we are out to accomplish are not easy tasks. Sleepless nights completing paperwork, countless rough drafts, and tons of phone calls (to name a few duties)…all while trying to maintain a happy home.

I can conclude, success never comes without challenges. There is also the obstacle, self. Yes, self. If we are not careful we can become our biggest hinderance. Laziness, fear, worrying what others think, and inconsistency are all self inflictions.

I am at a point where I will no longer allow myself to block my success. I could care less what others think….ijs. I never want to look back on my life and say, “I wish, I should have, or I could have.” I will only say, “I tried it, I did it!”

 

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